What are 42?
What the heck are 42? Who is Arthur Dent? Oh freak. Where’s my drink?
“Why-*burp*- don’t we name this fucking condom condom. I mean we call a man by the name of ‘Manav’ or ‘Adam’ then there is that saying, “Call a spade, a spade. Or something like that”. Heck I call my dog Dog.
Kaptain Kantaap had named his dog Dog. Dog was a nice dog except that it hated it’s name and used to show its displeasure to it by barking a lot whenever he was called out and at times when playing with Kaptain Kantaap seizing every occasion to bite him. Dog, being a nice-hearted dog couldn’t ever bite the hand that fed him and therefore as a result was quite frustrated with his life. His fellow dogs made fun of him. Kaptain Kantaap never understood this incessant barking of Dog and therefore presumed that dog was perennially hungry and thus gave him loads of food to eat everyday. As a result Dog was a fat dog. Dog didn’t know that Kaptain Kantaap would soon be bringing another dog and would call it ‘Fight’ thus practically living the phrase “It’s not about the size of the dog in the fight but about the size of the fight in the dog”.
Mailer Demon, his boss said, “Are you crazy? How can we name a product on the category?” as he gulped down his whisky.
Kaptain Kantaap replied, “Look, in this industry a staggering 84.8% of people just ask for a condom. They don’t say a brand. Now in any case we will a launching a retailer scheme to ensure our product gets pushed the most, I am just saying if we call it ‘condom’ then it will have maximum brand recall in all the surveys, more visibility, we will even advertised for by other companies when they say xyz condoms. What else do you want? And slowly when we have registered on the minds of the people, it will from a push strategy move to a pull strategy. Everyone will still continue to say ‘give me condom’ and it will mean he is asking our brand. Bingo!
Frustrated with rants of Kaptain Kantaap his boss said ‘Ok. Make a presentation”
This was Kaptain Kantaap’s way of ensuring that his company fires him - cause he knew the idea will fail- and therefore he can get rid of it.
And that’s how Kaptain Kantaap went on to build a brand that everyone talked bout for years. It catapulted Kaptain Kantaap into a league where many a people of his age only dream of achieving at 42! Kaptain Kantaap was however beyond it. He was a coward. He was looking of getting out while others were desperate to get in.
This is what happened post that drunk session.
Unfortunately for him, the top management had decided to resign the company in another few months and therefore when they saw that such a ridiculous idea was proposed to them, instead of kicking Kaptain Kantaap out, they happily agreed to go ahead with it. They all thought that the idea will fail and therefore they will get their revenge from the board of directors. They had decided to make Kaptain Kantaap the business head of this new product that would now be called ‘Condom’. They had also agreed among themselves to resign on the night just before the launch.
But Kaptain Kantaap didn’t know this plan of his top management. Frustrated at having to stay, he suggested the wild idea of sponsoring all the condoms used in adult movie with the brand name ‘condom’ being displayed on it big enough for everyone to see it.
Board of directors agreed to that also.
Kaptain Kantaap was disappointed but couldn’t do much. He went ahead with all the wild ideas he had.
Everything went according to plan. Kaptain Kantaap sponsored all the adult movies, Indian, American, latin, Czech, chile whatever he could lay his hands on. (He had spent enough money to ensure that company kicks him out)
Top Management too quit and all of a sudden Kaptain Kantaap was the senior most guy in the company.
The board of directors of the company was on a holiday but all of them said they are doing product testing and they are pretty happy with it.
However, one thing didn’t go as per the plans.
The product worked!
What more, it even led to many other businesses booming.
This is how it happened
The sponsoring of all the condoms ensured that all men and women implied that using ‘condom’ means being as fit and active in bed.
However more than men, women bought it. The sales skyrocketed.
Kaptain Kantaap was overnight the favorite of everyone in the company.
The adult films also ensured that the uneducated class who used to watch porn movies and magazines to satisfy their perversion inferred the same (i.e. being very active in bed) and therefore bought condoms for the first time. This led to fewer cases of aids all of a sudden. Government and NGO in turn adopted ‘Condom’ over ‘Nirodh’ and hence sales went even higher than the sky. The production (not reproduction) guys were working overtime in the factories.
The success of ‘Condom’ also resulted in a huge boom in the business of divorce lawyers. This was so because of most of the women who insisted on their partners using ‘Condom’ had high expectation of them in bed, most of the guys failed to live up to them while others who were already good suffered from performance anxiety.
This eventually led to strong reasons for divorce. And that’s where divorce lawyers came into play.
Kaptain Kantaap had become the poster boy for everyone!
In another world, Kaptain Kantaap would have been kicked out. In some another world Kaptain Kantaap would have left anyways. In again another world Kaptain Kantaap would have jumped outside the window of his flat at 42nd floor only to realize that he could fly.
But Kaptain Kantaap was coward. He did not know that those worlds existed nowhere else but here.
Kaptain Kantaap all these days was searching for something, something he did not know.
It must be some question.
(* Inspiration: Douglas Adams's Hitchiker's Guide to Galaxy *)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
A Love Less Ordinary
Drop by drop, eyeful;
You took it away.
Inches by inches, pride;
You drifted away.
Moments to moments, lifetime;
You faded away.
Whispers to whispers, fairytale;
You gave us away.
Arms to arms, home;
You pulled me away.
Deserted but not alone
Just like the smoke in the ashes.
Memory, time, love and life-
They'll linger...
You took it away.
Inches by inches, pride;
You drifted away.
Moments to moments, lifetime;
You faded away.
Whispers to whispers, fairytale;
You gave us away.
Arms to arms, home;
You pulled me away.
Deserted but not alone
Just like the smoke in the ashes.
Memory, time, love and life-
They'll linger...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Life's a joke
Kaptain Kantaap was getting drowsy. He could barely manage to keep his eyes open.
“Irresistible Rascal!” Applause…
Kaptain Kantaap looked around. There were people. Lots of them. They weren’t sad. Somewhat happy though, which was opposite of sad so Kaptain Knataap told himself “well, they are sad in somewhat different way, only we can’t seem to see it that way!” This thought made Kaptain Kantaap happy as this made him feel good.
“Crazy Cock!” Applause…
“Born Cynical” looked at Kaptain Kantaap and gave him a smile. She was Kaptain Kantaap’s best friend and she was going now.
“Frikkin Fool” Applause…
Kaptain Kantaap looked at her as she walked towards the stage to receive her degree.
Some chemical deep within his body was all of a sudden born and it flew right towards his eyes.
Kaptain Kantaap raised his left eyebrow as he looked at her with. This made his right eyebrow jealous that why wasn’t she raised and why the left eyebrow was the favored one. The stats of left eyebrow versus right eyebrow (i.e. who got raised how many times) were now 193753 to 67082. She knew it was a lost game now and therefore; she had become depressed, which led some of the hair of the eyebrow fall down. This in turn led to a small streak of missing hair in Kaptain Kantaap’s right eyebrow. The missing hair made Kaptain Kantaap look sexy in a quite different manner similar to the way a non-existent dimpled chin made Tom Cruise look different.
Moving on to the left eyebrow that was raised right now, Kaptain Kantaap was reliving some of the old days when he was with Frikkin Fool. Thinking of her, Kaptain Kantaap felt like peeing. This was so because apparently that chemical which had sought its way out from the eye couldn’t do so (as Kaptain Kantaap has raised his left eyebrow to prevent the tears to fall) and therefore pissed off and disgusted at its own existence, it sought for the other exit route and this was the cause why Kaptain Kantaap felt like staring at the wall.
These things made Kaptain Kantaap feel that he had moved on and therefore made him conclude that he hates her now but that was not the case, as he hadn’t moved on cause he never had started to begin with. Kaptain Kantaap was quite confused when it came to love but then Kaptain Kantaap was confused about everything. Sometimes he was even confused if all the guys in the world are girls and all the girls are guys. However he concluded that the biological difference due to this would have been zero so he concluded that he could call himself a girl. This at times had led him to do many girly things one of which had resulted in an unthinkable but speakable act. (More of it later)
“Frikkin fool” walked past Kaptain Kantaap, looked at him in a passing glance and gave him a look that said “I understand!” but Kaptain Kantaap in his contempt for her understood it to be “Ha! Look who’s the fool now? Asshole!”
Nonetheless, names kept on being called and slowly but steadily everyone went barring our Kaptain Kantaap. Some of his friends came and stood by him, “Born Cynical” was holding his hands tightly now and when they all threw their graduation hats in air, Kaptain Kantaap looked at them with a sullen face.
“Born Cynical” said, “Don’t worry, you’ll be here next year. It happens for good, you know, whatever happens!” Then other friends consoled him.
All this while deep within Kaptain Kantaap’s heart, Kaptain Kantaap knew he was very happy. Happy not because he had flunked another year in b-school pursuing an mba he never wanted to pursue, not because he was alone now and terribly missed Frikkin Fool, not because Born Cynical, his best friend was leaving, not because “Arrogant Bastard”, his once good friend left without saying a word to him, and not because he had had his favorite breakfast (bacon and eggs with pineapple juice) that day; Kaptain Kantaap was happy because flunking another year in b-school meant he gets to spend another year away from work, another year of living life carelessly and another year of cheap booze and free dope. But Kaptain Kantaap, being the coward that he was, maintained a sullen face that made people- who are generally stupid- believe that he is sad. And then all friends came to him to shake hands and slowly all but Born Cynical went away. She was still holding his hand, and then she started crying. Kaptain Kantaap, being the fool that he is, didn’t know what to do. He walked her towards the parking lot and made her sit in her cab. And then told her “I want to eat lunch. Should we go to the mall?” Born Cynical said “Yeah!” And so they went.
As he extended his hands to open the door of the car, Kaptain Kantaap saw that the time on his watch was 7.15 a.m. and therefore he switched off the alarm.
Friday Morning.
He hated Friday mornings as it made him live through the most anxious hours of the week waiting for the clock to strike 6. Kaptain Kantaap was a very impatient person, you see!
He loved Mondays cause they were hopeless and there was no point looking forward to the weekend and therefore he had ample time to kill. No restlessness, no anxiety!
Thinking about his dream, he realized this was the third time in past two days he had the same dream (he saw the dream two times back to back as first time just before opening the door of the car in the dream he woke up for no reason and then when he slept again he saw the dream again)
Kaptain Kantaap hated that dream. Just for general knowledge, Kaptain Kantaap, however had gone on to enjoy the third year of his two year mba, gone on to get the same job in the same company only at different pay package. Kaptain Kantaap had got placed in a company in his 2nd year but due to his flunking he did not join it, next year the same company by some stroke of bad luck again selected Kaptain Kantaap and this time there pay package was more compared to that of last year.
It was more by a rupee.(This made Kaptain Kantaap feel 1 year for what? 1 rupee? Life's a joke!)
The company cited recession as the main reason for this. However, no one wondered how the sales of a condom company could drop in times of recession, in fact reports suggested that sex was the only good thing which made people believe in themselves and therefore do it more (well this wasn’t true completely as most of the men and women in the world had started faking orgasm even more just to please their partners who were depressed because of the recession)
So Kaptain Kantaap against all his wishes had managed to ensure that college throws him out by giving him passing marks, he had managed to get himself a job and he had managed to be friends with many other persons in his college, Born Cynical was one of them.
Kaptain Kantaap, however got up and as he walked towards his bathroom he realized his toothpaste was empty and this gave him a feeling of déjà vu!
Looking at himself in the mirror, he saw his right eyebrow raised (right eye brow was raised continuously for past 59 hours, this gave the right eye brow an added score of some thousands. Right eyebrow wanted to win the game against left eyebrow and therefore was doing it till had a healthy lead over the left eyebrow, but Kaptain Kantaap did not know this but then Kaptain Kantaap did not many things!)
Kaptain Kantaap tried to interpret his dream. He thought why exactly was he seeing it, i.e., what exactly was the point? But being a tedious job that it was, he left it midway and went on to prepare his breakfast.
Friday Mornings! I Hate them.
Convocation day. Bah.
What was frikkin fool wearing that day?
What was i wearing?
I need to buy some handkerchiefs today.
What's that smell?
Born cynical is getting married.
Gentle riddance frikkin fool. and so Kaptain Kantaap continued thinking.
However, in this mundane pointless existence where none of his acts made any sense, Kaptain Kantaap had hoped that love would help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, such high expectations from his partner crashed as she too had the same expectations from him.
Kaptain Kantaap thought, "It was like two people clinging to each other while falling into a bottomless pit all the while knowing that they are doomed but still holding on to hope."
Kaptain Kantaap knew this but didnt know what to make of it cause for him relationships were like that only. A psychological need to make oneself feel good about oneself.
Kaptain Kantaap however had been trying to fake himself into believing he was better off this ways. No one knew if he was. Only time would tell.
Meanwhile our Kaptain Kantaap shouted out aloud after pouring the milk in his frying pan and eggs in the cornflakes, "Life's a joke".
“Irresistible Rascal!” Applause…
Kaptain Kantaap looked around. There were people. Lots of them. They weren’t sad. Somewhat happy though, which was opposite of sad so Kaptain Knataap told himself “well, they are sad in somewhat different way, only we can’t seem to see it that way!” This thought made Kaptain Kantaap happy as this made him feel good.
“Crazy Cock!” Applause…
“Born Cynical” looked at Kaptain Kantaap and gave him a smile. She was Kaptain Kantaap’s best friend and she was going now.
“Frikkin Fool” Applause…
Kaptain Kantaap looked at her as she walked towards the stage to receive her degree.
Some chemical deep within his body was all of a sudden born and it flew right towards his eyes.
Kaptain Kantaap raised his left eyebrow as he looked at her with. This made his right eyebrow jealous that why wasn’t she raised and why the left eyebrow was the favored one. The stats of left eyebrow versus right eyebrow (i.e. who got raised how many times) were now 193753 to 67082. She knew it was a lost game now and therefore; she had become depressed, which led some of the hair of the eyebrow fall down. This in turn led to a small streak of missing hair in Kaptain Kantaap’s right eyebrow. The missing hair made Kaptain Kantaap look sexy in a quite different manner similar to the way a non-existent dimpled chin made Tom Cruise look different.
Moving on to the left eyebrow that was raised right now, Kaptain Kantaap was reliving some of the old days when he was with Frikkin Fool. Thinking of her, Kaptain Kantaap felt like peeing. This was so because apparently that chemical which had sought its way out from the eye couldn’t do so (as Kaptain Kantaap has raised his left eyebrow to prevent the tears to fall) and therefore pissed off and disgusted at its own existence, it sought for the other exit route and this was the cause why Kaptain Kantaap felt like staring at the wall.
These things made Kaptain Kantaap feel that he had moved on and therefore made him conclude that he hates her now but that was not the case, as he hadn’t moved on cause he never had started to begin with. Kaptain Kantaap was quite confused when it came to love but then Kaptain Kantaap was confused about everything. Sometimes he was even confused if all the guys in the world are girls and all the girls are guys. However he concluded that the biological difference due to this would have been zero so he concluded that he could call himself a girl. This at times had led him to do many girly things one of which had resulted in an unthinkable but speakable act. (More of it later)
“Frikkin fool” walked past Kaptain Kantaap, looked at him in a passing glance and gave him a look that said “I understand!” but Kaptain Kantaap in his contempt for her understood it to be “Ha! Look who’s the fool now? Asshole!”
Nonetheless, names kept on being called and slowly but steadily everyone went barring our Kaptain Kantaap. Some of his friends came and stood by him, “Born Cynical” was holding his hands tightly now and when they all threw their graduation hats in air, Kaptain Kantaap looked at them with a sullen face.
“Born Cynical” said, “Don’t worry, you’ll be here next year. It happens for good, you know, whatever happens!” Then other friends consoled him.
All this while deep within Kaptain Kantaap’s heart, Kaptain Kantaap knew he was very happy. Happy not because he had flunked another year in b-school pursuing an mba he never wanted to pursue, not because he was alone now and terribly missed Frikkin Fool, not because Born Cynical, his best friend was leaving, not because “Arrogant Bastard”, his once good friend left without saying a word to him, and not because he had had his favorite breakfast (bacon and eggs with pineapple juice) that day; Kaptain Kantaap was happy because flunking another year in b-school meant he gets to spend another year away from work, another year of living life carelessly and another year of cheap booze and free dope. But Kaptain Kantaap, being the coward that he was, maintained a sullen face that made people- who are generally stupid- believe that he is sad. And then all friends came to him to shake hands and slowly all but Born Cynical went away. She was still holding his hand, and then she started crying. Kaptain Kantaap, being the fool that he is, didn’t know what to do. He walked her towards the parking lot and made her sit in her cab. And then told her “I want to eat lunch. Should we go to the mall?” Born Cynical said “Yeah!” And so they went.
As he extended his hands to open the door of the car, Kaptain Kantaap saw that the time on his watch was 7.15 a.m. and therefore he switched off the alarm.
Friday Morning.
He hated Friday mornings as it made him live through the most anxious hours of the week waiting for the clock to strike 6. Kaptain Kantaap was a very impatient person, you see!
He loved Mondays cause they were hopeless and there was no point looking forward to the weekend and therefore he had ample time to kill. No restlessness, no anxiety!
Thinking about his dream, he realized this was the third time in past two days he had the same dream (he saw the dream two times back to back as first time just before opening the door of the car in the dream he woke up for no reason and then when he slept again he saw the dream again)
Kaptain Kantaap hated that dream. Just for general knowledge, Kaptain Kantaap, however had gone on to enjoy the third year of his two year mba, gone on to get the same job in the same company only at different pay package. Kaptain Kantaap had got placed in a company in his 2nd year but due to his flunking he did not join it, next year the same company by some stroke of bad luck again selected Kaptain Kantaap and this time there pay package was more compared to that of last year.
It was more by a rupee.(This made Kaptain Kantaap feel 1 year for what? 1 rupee? Life's a joke!)
The company cited recession as the main reason for this. However, no one wondered how the sales of a condom company could drop in times of recession, in fact reports suggested that sex was the only good thing which made people believe in themselves and therefore do it more (well this wasn’t true completely as most of the men and women in the world had started faking orgasm even more just to please their partners who were depressed because of the recession)
So Kaptain Kantaap against all his wishes had managed to ensure that college throws him out by giving him passing marks, he had managed to get himself a job and he had managed to be friends with many other persons in his college, Born Cynical was one of them.
Kaptain Kantaap, however got up and as he walked towards his bathroom he realized his toothpaste was empty and this gave him a feeling of déjà vu!
Looking at himself in the mirror, he saw his right eyebrow raised (right eye brow was raised continuously for past 59 hours, this gave the right eye brow an added score of some thousands. Right eyebrow wanted to win the game against left eyebrow and therefore was doing it till had a healthy lead over the left eyebrow, but Kaptain Kantaap did not know this but then Kaptain Kantaap did not many things!)
Kaptain Kantaap tried to interpret his dream. He thought why exactly was he seeing it, i.e., what exactly was the point? But being a tedious job that it was, he left it midway and went on to prepare his breakfast.
Friday Mornings! I Hate them.
Convocation day. Bah.
What was frikkin fool wearing that day?
What was i wearing?
I need to buy some handkerchiefs today.
What's that smell?
Born cynical is getting married.
Gentle riddance frikkin fool. and so Kaptain Kantaap continued thinking.
However, in this mundane pointless existence where none of his acts made any sense, Kaptain Kantaap had hoped that love would help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, such high expectations from his partner crashed as she too had the same expectations from him.
Kaptain Kantaap thought, "It was like two people clinging to each other while falling into a bottomless pit all the while knowing that they are doomed but still holding on to hope."
Kaptain Kantaap knew this but didnt know what to make of it cause for him relationships were like that only. A psychological need to make oneself feel good about oneself.
Kaptain Kantaap however had been trying to fake himself into believing he was better off this ways. No one knew if he was. Only time would tell.
Meanwhile our Kaptain Kantaap shouted out aloud after pouring the milk in his frying pan and eggs in the cornflakes, "Life's a joke".
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
History Repeats Itself!
On my recent trip to Delhi in Shatabdi, I saw an interesting scene being played out which kinda made me realize to some extent how this whole man-woman, man-man, woman-woman thing works! It was something like this.
Two kids in my compartment. 1 girl, 1 sardar boy.
The girl was crying out aloud immediately after the train started and her mom was assuaging her. (Read alone)
Enter this Sardar boy. He is happily running here and there and randomly hitting the people who were trying to catch some sleep. (Read selling him self. Making himself the center of attraction)
The girl becomes quiet. As looks at the boy carefully! (Read: The ball’s been hit and the striker moves to first base!)
The sardar keeps running and then all of a sudden touches her (Well, you know what to “make out” of it)
The girl is obviously baffled. Her mom, however, lets her go and she is free now. (Read: Free from the other boundations that the society imposes on her) She goes towards the boy.
The stupid sardar now extends the hand of firandships to her (Read proposes) and is staring hard at the girl.
Girl is confused and runs to mom (read friends). She is encouraged to go back and be friends. (Read, friends convincing. “Oh, he loves you so much”, “she really really cares for you”, “you both make such a nice couple”)
She then shakes hand with the guy (Home run!)
Then after a moment or two she takes her teddy (read, girly stuff and other emotional baggage) to the sardar. He is baffled.(Commitment issues?)
He therefore goes back to his mom (continue with his guy stuff) and the girl comes back to her and starts crying again! (alone, again!)
I guess this is how things turn out for us adults. However, I am pretty sure years from now the same kids after going through a failed relationship would wonder “why does this happen to me only, everyone says I am such a nice guy/gal.. sob sob )
Well, fucker! You were a loser then and no one realized it, you are a loser now and your friends know it, and you will be a loser in future too and then you too will know it! Only, it may be lil too late to make the amends!
If only you learned from your mistakes or realized your true self!
But yeah I guess we all do start early! :-)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Great Expectations
Kaptain Kantaap wakes up.
Kaptain Kantaap wants to get up from the bed but for some biological problem stays there for some time. So, he starts counting.
After some time, he realizes it is fine to get up. He gets up.
He walks towards the window and like one of those movie scenes hopes to open the window in a true philmy style and then plans of spreading his hands, be delighted at the beauty of the world and then break into some humm…Hummmm. Hmmm.
So Kaptain Kantaap opens the window, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He also doesn’t forget to put on a fake smile to fake him self into happiness.
However, a stench resembling shit or the one he smells near railways racks early morning enters his olfactory cells which immediately puts his sensory neuron cells into action to retrieve his hands to mouth and he opens his eyes to find out where the cause for this change of plans is?
He also sneezes as he looks out to realize that he opened the wrong side of the room. Kaptain Kantaap blames Earth’s rotation for this and wonders if it would have been any different if Earth were rotating the other way round. He also wonders would he have been a woman if earth was rotating the other way. But he felt he was better off being a male (barring the biological problem every morning) and therefore didn’t probe further into the effects of counter rotation of earth.
Meanwhile, he closes the window and turns realizing that his idea of the philmy morning was gone.
Little dejected, he turns, only to see a slipper hurling towards his private parts.
As of that moment one of his nerve cells got ready and sends a command to the numerous body parts to turn left with immediate effect. However, another lazy and slightly damaged nerve cell also gets into action at the same time (it was damaged and was therefore, being recycled, or to put it simply was in the process of being thrown out via the common exit passages in Kaptain Kantaap’s body; This nerve cell had got highly agitated because of this rejection and therefore chewed off some innocent nearby nerve cells as a sign of protest. The far off nerve cells hadn’t yet received their newspaper because of the strike of vendors (red blood cells) and therefore didn’t know this. This lack of information to other nerve cells made our evil nerve cell very happy and it was using it’s memory to think of all the villains it resembled in one of those films his captor, Kaptain Kantaap saw.) Now this nerve cell also interprets the rescue signal and finds it extremely amusing. It was thinking of a movie “Saving Private Ryan”, and here is the Kaptain Kantaap in a situation apt to be called “Saving Ryan’s privates”. It laughed.
Then it sent some other signals to some other tissues in some other part of the Kaptain Kantaap’s body. It didn’t know exactly which signal was going where but just that he sent many instructions to many other parts of the Kaptain Kantaap’s body.
The end result of this internal confusion was that Kaptain Kantaap’s privates could not be saved as some of the signals from the damaged nerve cell went to the same tissues- to whom the previous nerve cell had sent instruction to move left; the message from the damaged nerve cell being to smile.
Since, those tissues didn’t know how to smile (as their primary responsibility was to expand and contract and some times also move here and there) got confused as to which command to follow. While some tissues in the concerned organ went with the first message, some went with the second one, a large minority said they didn’t want to be awake now and therefore decided to stay put. Some other maniacally depressed tissues started crying which led to an uneasy feeling, which was further aggravated by the kiss of the slipper.
The other signal of the damaged nerve cell went to Kaptain Kantaap’s lips, which were asked to move left which they did and therefore, when the slipper hit Kaptain Kantaap’s privates, he had a twitch on his lips which looked like a twisted evil smile.
Other nerve cells being confused as to how they failed to avert the crisis, were still debating about the cause of this catastrophe happily unaware that another community member had chewed some of their community members off.
Mean while, Kaptain Kantaap while still struggling with the pain in his private parts heard his room partner shout at him “Your respected mother’s private parts”, and then his room partner described those private parts to Kaptain Kantaap.
While the room partner kept on shouting and abusing and bending two of his fingers on the left and right corners of his hand, he was also shouting why Kaptain Kantaap had opened the window….
Now, Anyone else seeing this- that what happened now and what shall happen pretty soon- would have thought, Kaptain Kantaap was crazy; which would have been the right thought to think of, but then would have-like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged himself to be too judgmental about Kaptain Kantaap and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about Kaptain Kantaap that he was a crazy fellow. He however would have joked about this to other people over a round of drinks calling Kaptain Kantaap a fool, which again was true of Kaptain Kantaap but since it would have been discussed over a round of drinks in a joking manner, even those people -like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged themselves to be too judgmental about Kaptain Kantaap, narrator and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about Kaptain Kantaap that he was a fool. The same people would have later on told other people who would have later through a not so small a chain of Chinese whispers told the same to Kaptain Kantaap(like; you know this guy my friend knows, it so happened one morning that….and so on.) And Kaptain Kantaap would have thought to himself after listening this story “Interesting. Seems like an eccentric guy” but he too-like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged himself to be too judgmental about the said person in the story and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about himself that he was an interesting and eccentric guy.
Kaptain Kantaap didn’t know that about himself but then Kaptain Kantaap didn’t know many other things- for instance that Earth did rotate the other way round morning and he would have been a girl if earth was rotating the other way on the day he was conceived- and admitting ignorance made Kaptain Kantaap happy.
In the mean time, Kaptain Kantaap ignoring his room partner’s morning rants, was wondering whatever happened to his philmy beginning of morning.
And then he realized it was a philmy morning.
He was not the hero of the philm.
He was the side-hero.
He thought of Dr. Watson, he thought of Hiren Bhojani of Jo jeeta wohi sikandar, he thought of Hrithik Roshan in Koi Mil Gaya, he thought of Al Pacino in “The Godfather” but then he realized Al Pacino wasn’t the side-hero so he felt apologetic and let it be.
Kaptain Kantaap realized it was a philmy opening to his morning where everything was not going fine and how he would continue having a bad day. He felt he had the power to see the future, he knew his day wouldn’t improve at all and so he won’t even try. He’ll just be careless and be the perfect side-hero in this philmy day of his life.
Kaptain Kantaap was happy.
Kaptain Kantaap wants to get up from the bed but for some biological problem stays there for some time. So, he starts counting.
After some time, he realizes it is fine to get up. He gets up.
He walks towards the window and like one of those movie scenes hopes to open the window in a true philmy style and then plans of spreading his hands, be delighted at the beauty of the world and then break into some humm…Hummmm. Hmmm.
So Kaptain Kantaap opens the window, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He also doesn’t forget to put on a fake smile to fake him self into happiness.
However, a stench resembling shit or the one he smells near railways racks early morning enters his olfactory cells which immediately puts his sensory neuron cells into action to retrieve his hands to mouth and he opens his eyes to find out where the cause for this change of plans is?
He also sneezes as he looks out to realize that he opened the wrong side of the room. Kaptain Kantaap blames Earth’s rotation for this and wonders if it would have been any different if Earth were rotating the other way round. He also wonders would he have been a woman if earth was rotating the other way. But he felt he was better off being a male (barring the biological problem every morning) and therefore didn’t probe further into the effects of counter rotation of earth.
Meanwhile, he closes the window and turns realizing that his idea of the philmy morning was gone.
Little dejected, he turns, only to see a slipper hurling towards his private parts.
As of that moment one of his nerve cells got ready and sends a command to the numerous body parts to turn left with immediate effect. However, another lazy and slightly damaged nerve cell also gets into action at the same time (it was damaged and was therefore, being recycled, or to put it simply was in the process of being thrown out via the common exit passages in Kaptain Kantaap’s body; This nerve cell had got highly agitated because of this rejection and therefore chewed off some innocent nearby nerve cells as a sign of protest. The far off nerve cells hadn’t yet received their newspaper because of the strike of vendors (red blood cells) and therefore didn’t know this. This lack of information to other nerve cells made our evil nerve cell very happy and it was using it’s memory to think of all the villains it resembled in one of those films his captor, Kaptain Kantaap saw.) Now this nerve cell also interprets the rescue signal and finds it extremely amusing. It was thinking of a movie “Saving Private Ryan”, and here is the Kaptain Kantaap in a situation apt to be called “Saving Ryan’s privates”. It laughed.
Then it sent some other signals to some other tissues in some other part of the Kaptain Kantaap’s body. It didn’t know exactly which signal was going where but just that he sent many instructions to many other parts of the Kaptain Kantaap’s body.
The end result of this internal confusion was that Kaptain Kantaap’s privates could not be saved as some of the signals from the damaged nerve cell went to the same tissues- to whom the previous nerve cell had sent instruction to move left; the message from the damaged nerve cell being to smile.
Since, those tissues didn’t know how to smile (as their primary responsibility was to expand and contract and some times also move here and there) got confused as to which command to follow. While some tissues in the concerned organ went with the first message, some went with the second one, a large minority said they didn’t want to be awake now and therefore decided to stay put. Some other maniacally depressed tissues started crying which led to an uneasy feeling, which was further aggravated by the kiss of the slipper.
The other signal of the damaged nerve cell went to Kaptain Kantaap’s lips, which were asked to move left which they did and therefore, when the slipper hit Kaptain Kantaap’s privates, he had a twitch on his lips which looked like a twisted evil smile.
Other nerve cells being confused as to how they failed to avert the crisis, were still debating about the cause of this catastrophe happily unaware that another community member had chewed some of their community members off.
Mean while, Kaptain Kantaap while still struggling with the pain in his private parts heard his room partner shout at him “Your respected mother’s private parts”, and then his room partner described those private parts to Kaptain Kantaap.
While the room partner kept on shouting and abusing and bending two of his fingers on the left and right corners of his hand, he was also shouting why Kaptain Kantaap had opened the window….
Now, Anyone else seeing this- that what happened now and what shall happen pretty soon- would have thought, Kaptain Kantaap was crazy; which would have been the right thought to think of, but then would have-like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged himself to be too judgmental about Kaptain Kantaap and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about Kaptain Kantaap that he was a crazy fellow. He however would have joked about this to other people over a round of drinks calling Kaptain Kantaap a fool, which again was true of Kaptain Kantaap but since it would have been discussed over a round of drinks in a joking manner, even those people -like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged themselves to be too judgmental about Kaptain Kantaap, narrator and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about Kaptain Kantaap that he was a fool. The same people would have later on told other people who would have later through a not so small a chain of Chinese whispers told the same to Kaptain Kantaap(like; you know this guy my friend knows, it so happened one morning that….and so on.) And Kaptain Kantaap would have thought to himself after listening this story “Interesting. Seems like an eccentric guy” but he too-like every pretentious rational being who like to think they are rational- judged himself to be too judgmental about the said person in the story and in general about everyone else and therefore would have let go of the accidentally true fact about himself that he was an interesting and eccentric guy.
Kaptain Kantaap didn’t know that about himself but then Kaptain Kantaap didn’t know many other things- for instance that Earth did rotate the other way round morning and he would have been a girl if earth was rotating the other way on the day he was conceived- and admitting ignorance made Kaptain Kantaap happy.
In the mean time, Kaptain Kantaap ignoring his room partner’s morning rants, was wondering whatever happened to his philmy beginning of morning.
And then he realized it was a philmy morning.
He was not the hero of the philm.
He was the side-hero.
He thought of Dr. Watson, he thought of Hiren Bhojani of Jo jeeta wohi sikandar, he thought of Hrithik Roshan in Koi Mil Gaya, he thought of Al Pacino in “The Godfather” but then he realized Al Pacino wasn’t the side-hero so he felt apologetic and let it be.
Kaptain Kantaap realized it was a philmy opening to his morning where everything was not going fine and how he would continue having a bad day. He felt he had the power to see the future, he knew his day wouldn’t improve at all and so he won’t even try. He’ll just be careless and be the perfect side-hero in this philmy day of his life.
As Kaptain Kantaap walked towards the bathroom, he remembered there was no toothpaste and just as he thought this, he was happy.
Kaptain Kantaap was happy.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Ready to Serve
Aiyyyo!
What’s this?
What am I doing here?
What do I mean by what am I doing here?
Ok calm down.
Well, yeah. This intro too is inspired by the large sperm whale’s in Hitchiker’s guide to galaxy! Thank you Douglas Adams. J
Here’s the thing.
Cogito Ergo Sum. Or Cogito Ergo Doleo.
But the point is why do we think?
And more pertinently, why do I think what I think?
Now, I don’t subscribe to the philosophy that we were born with the almighty sitting down cross-legged and deciding whether I make this fucker a jackass or a nimwitted blonde with two big…well. You get the picture!
I believe in Aristotle’s concept of mind as a clean, blank state/Tabula Rasa.
It means that one’s experiences define her personality. No one’s born in a particular way. It’s the surroundings, the experiences, the childhood, e.t.c. that influence one’s views about the world.
So while I think I may explore those ideas in this blog, I am not sure as to what else I will touch and go. May be everything!
Anyways, While doing my post-grad. most of my female friends which later on led to the guys also saying so just because the girls said so- that “I am an emotional guy and that I can’t see anyone in any discomfort- in their particular cases- see them cry” which I will agree is pretty much the truth.
I did like every drunkard wonder when the fuck did I become that?
But the wondering long about life’s wonders in general was not something I could wonder for a long time and so I wandered into hitherto unknown territories-the stories of which I shall divulge at a later time.
So anyways, the other day while talking to a colleague over phone. I realized probably what helped me shape up this attribute in me.
I’ll share that today.
Like every other 26year old, I too was once a 14 year old. I entered class 8. Was always on the wrong side of teacher’s books by doing things-you-ought-not-to-do-but-still-do.
As a result, other wannabe kids too followed the suit and soon the class got blacklisted amongst the teachers. So they did what teachers do best. Punish us. We replied by doing what we could then do best. Irritate them. And so the saga of “Whole class. Stand with hands-up (which was a punishment otherwise bearable but in the winter season it was cruel. Well you see, with our blazers on our shoulders it was difficult to keep hands straight as demanded by teacher and if u tried too hard it would reveal many a ugly sights of my fellow classmates shirt hanging out and in few fat cases, there belly buttons being visible to all- which then became the laughing point for all and subsequently made the teacher even more pissed off, which she would then ask us sternly to keep our hands even more straight, which would lead to the repetition of the some poor soul’s belly swell up again and the cycle kept on getting repeated…)”, “Stand up on the benches” and some times simply “standup”. Now till class 8th we were a united class. No classification of girl-boy had come up, in fact I liked that there was no classification as it generally helped my case of pursuing a un-suspecting girl (talk abut starting early!) who after I would have proposed would change the school as soon as the session got over or worse still in the very next Raksha Bandhan tie me a rakhi. Hey… I was just finding out things about myself! I was on an overdose of ‘Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge’ and ‘Dil To Pagal Hai’.
So without digressing from the topic further, we were pretty much a united class and bore the brunt of all the innovative (which they weren’t) and sadistic (which again they weren’t as we had a gala time standing up and eating our lunch boxes without getting caught) punishments our teachers had for us. Time came for all of us to move on to next class and so we all did much to the comfort of our class 8 teachers.
Now, this is where it got different.
We still did the same things. But some stupid new girls from some school- I don’t remember which one- entered our class and changed the whole scenario and shaped yours truly this way.
Now these I think came from only girls’ school and were therefore always trying to show the superiority of the womanhood on us. Like every men in the history of humanity, we too did what every man does in a situation they don’t understand. We made fun of them and bully them.
So well, amidst all these larger issues of life, we still presented a united class to our teachers when it came to breaking the rules. However, unlike class 8, this time the new girls after standing for few minutes would pretend crying. The teacher would take pity to them and scold us guys for doing all the mischief and make the girls sit down. This led to our old female friends follow the suit every once a while, and were pretty successful every time, well almost.
In any case, the unity of class to ensure that ‘we don’t need no education’ disappeared soon and the gender divide in the small class 40 odd students surfaced to the core.
I being a believer of the following line of the Indian preamble as written in our civics book (though hardly followed ever in real life) “…no discrimination based on cast, creed, colour and sex…” despised this.
But the girls obviously loved this and soon it became evident to us-the male populace of the class- that girls can get away with anything by shedding a drop of tear.
I somehow learned to live with the fact. But this belief only got stronger in under-grad as I saw my friends’ girlfriends cry out aloud in the shopping malls in front of everyone only because their boyfriend has refused to tell them if rani-coloured saree or vibrant red saree would look better for the upcoming culture day celebrations in college. (Well, my friend had not actually refused but had said something as sweet as “look, I don’t care a damn what you wear, I like you for who you are and really makes no difference what you wear. You are free to wear/not wear ;) anything you feel like.” Now, I don’t see why she felt it was rude of him and that he didn’t love her enough…what followed next were the violent sobs of the girl and the embarrassed pleas of my friend proclaiming his love and also the selection of a blue coloured saree.)
Now I used to hate it. Hate the way a drama used to get converted to tear-jerkin-emotional tragedy whenever some female would make good use of her lachrymal glands.
Now all the girls who did not resort to this got lots of respect from me. So whenever these friends of mine would be sad or depressed then I shall sit with them and make them happy, whatever it took.
The fact that I, because of aforementioned events-instead of being indifferent-became more concerned about it was as surprising to me as it was to the girl I proposed for the first time ever. (I rarely used to talk to her, she didn’t even know I existed and thought I am some random shady guy from class 8th. She left the school next year! L )
A normal incident, I guess, but the way it impacted me and shaped me was quite surprising.
Anyways, class 9th was the end of adolescence for me in many ways.
Now when I think about it, it looks like a horizon, not the ever-receding one that I am running towards, but one which I have already passed, similar to the one on a long road-when in the midst of a journey- you stop and turn back to see how much is it that you have traveled and see horizons on both the ends and only a thin road to travel (not much choice to wander into the unknown land.) And then you wonder when did I cover all this distance, how could I go the distance?
In your motorcycle diaries, you may have the time and possibility of going back, and reliving it; in a lesser mortal’s guide to life-We just wonder how in such a short time we are in the midst of this journey without knowing when the first half finished and when the other half started, all the while heading for the inevitable beginning of death.
Sometimes we move too fast, too far from everyone and sometimes the horizon moves back too slow but too far.
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