Friday, March 13, 2009

Life's a joke

Kaptain Kantaap was getting drowsy. He could barely manage to keep his eyes open.

“Irresistible Rascal!” Applause…

Kaptain Kantaap looked around. There were people. Lots of them. They weren’t sad. Somewhat happy though, which was opposite of sad so Kaptain Knataap told himself “well, they are sad in somewhat different way, only we can’t seem to see it that way!” This thought made Kaptain Kantaap happy as this made him feel good.

“Crazy Cock!” Applause…

“Born Cynical” looked at Kaptain Kantaap and gave him a smile. She was Kaptain Kantaap’s best friend and she was going now.

“Frikkin Fool” Applause…

Kaptain Kantaap looked at her as she walked towards the stage to receive her degree.
Some chemical deep within his body was all of a sudden born and it flew right towards his eyes.
Kaptain Kantaap raised his left eyebrow as he looked at her with. This made his right eyebrow jealous that why wasn’t she raised and why the left eyebrow was the favored one. The stats of left eyebrow versus right eyebrow (i.e. who got raised how many times) were now 193753 to 67082. She knew it was a lost game now and therefore; she had become depressed, which led some of the hair of the eyebrow fall down. This in turn led to a small streak of missing hair in Kaptain Kantaap’s right eyebrow. The missing hair made Kaptain Kantaap look sexy in a quite different manner similar to the way a non-existent dimpled chin made Tom Cruise look different.

Moving on to the left eyebrow that was raised right now, Kaptain Kantaap was reliving some of the old days when he was with Frikkin Fool. Thinking of her, Kaptain Kantaap felt like peeing. This was so because apparently that chemical which had sought its way out from the eye couldn’t do so (as Kaptain Kantaap has raised his left eyebrow to prevent the tears to fall) and therefore pissed off and disgusted at its own existence, it sought for the other exit route and this was the cause why Kaptain Kantaap felt like staring at the wall.

These things made Kaptain Kantaap feel that he had moved on and therefore made him conclude that he hates her now but that was not the case, as he hadn’t moved on cause he never had started to begin with. Kaptain Kantaap was quite confused when it came to love but then Kaptain Kantaap was confused about everything. Sometimes he was even confused if all the guys in the world are girls and all the girls are guys. However he concluded that the biological difference due to this would have been zero so he concluded that he could call himself a girl. This at times had led him to do many girly things one of which had resulted in an unthinkable but speakable act. (More of it later)

“Frikkin fool” walked past Kaptain Kantaap, looked at him in a passing glance and gave him a look that said “I understand!” but Kaptain Kantaap in his contempt for her understood it to be “Ha! Look who’s the fool now? Asshole!”

Nonetheless, names kept on being called and slowly but steadily everyone went barring our Kaptain Kantaap. Some of his friends came and stood by him, “Born Cynical” was holding his hands tightly now and when they all threw their graduation hats in air, Kaptain Kantaap looked at them with a sullen face.

“Born Cynical” said, “Don’t worry, you’ll be here next year. It happens for good, you know, whatever happens!” Then other friends consoled him.
All this while deep within Kaptain Kantaap’s heart, Kaptain Kantaap knew he was very happy. Happy not because he had flunked another year in b-school pursuing an mba he never wanted to pursue, not because he was alone now and terribly missed Frikkin Fool, not because Born Cynical, his best friend was leaving, not because “Arrogant Bastard”, his once good friend left without saying a word to him, and not because he had had his favorite breakfast (bacon and eggs with pineapple juice) that day; Kaptain Kantaap was happy because flunking another year in b-school meant he gets to spend another year away from work, another year of living life carelessly and another year of cheap booze and free dope. But Kaptain Kantaap, being the coward that he was, maintained a sullen face that made people- who are generally stupid- believe that he is sad. And then all friends came to him to shake hands and slowly all but Born Cynical went away. She was still holding his hand, and then she started crying. Kaptain Kantaap, being the fool that he is, didn’t know what to do. He walked her towards the parking lot and made her sit in her cab. And then told her “I want to eat lunch. Should we go to the mall?” Born Cynical said “Yeah!” And so they went.

As he extended his hands to open the door of the car, Kaptain Kantaap saw that the time on his watch was 7.15 a.m. and therefore he switched off the alarm.
Friday Morning.
He hated Friday mornings as it made him live through the most anxious hours of the week waiting for the clock to strike 6. Kaptain Kantaap was a very impatient person, you see!
He loved Mondays cause they were hopeless and there was no point looking forward to the weekend and therefore he had ample time to kill. No restlessness, no anxiety!
Thinking about his dream, he realized this was the third time in past two days he had the same dream (he saw the dream two times back to back as first time just before opening the door of the car in the dream he woke up for no reason and then when he slept again he saw the dream again)

Kaptain Kantaap hated that dream. Just for general knowledge, Kaptain Kantaap, however had gone on to enjoy the third year of his two year mba, gone on to get the same job in the same company only at different pay package. Kaptain Kantaap had got placed in a company in his 2nd year but due to his flunking he did not join it, next year the same company by some stroke of bad luck again selected Kaptain Kantaap and this time there pay package was more compared to that of last year.

It was more by a rupee.(This made Kaptain Kantaap feel 1 year for what? 1 rupee? Life's a joke!)

The company cited recession as the main reason for this. However, no one wondered how the sales of a condom company could drop in times of recession, in fact reports suggested that sex was the only good thing which made people believe in themselves and therefore do it more (well this wasn’t true completely as most of the men and women in the world had started faking orgasm even more just to please their partners who were depressed because of the recession)

So Kaptain Kantaap against all his wishes had managed to ensure that college throws him out by giving him passing marks, he had managed to get himself a job and he had managed to be friends with many other persons in his college, Born Cynical was one of them.

Kaptain Kantaap, however got up and as he walked towards his bathroom he realized his toothpaste was empty and this gave him a feeling of déjà vu!

Looking at himself in the mirror, he saw his right eyebrow raised (right eye brow was raised continuously for past 59 hours, this gave the right eye brow an added score of some thousands. Right eyebrow wanted to win the game against left eyebrow and therefore was doing it till had a healthy lead over the left eyebrow, but Kaptain Kantaap did not know this but then Kaptain Kantaap did not many things!)

Kaptain Kantaap tried to interpret his dream. He thought why exactly was he seeing it, i.e., what exactly was the point? But being a tedious job that it was, he left it midway and went on to prepare his breakfast.

Friday Mornings! I Hate them.
Convocation day. Bah.
What was frikkin fool wearing that day?
What was i wearing?
I need to buy some handkerchiefs today.
What's that smell?
Born cynical is getting married.
Gentle riddance frikkin fool. and so Kaptain Kantaap continued thinking.

However, in this mundane pointless existence where none of his acts made any sense, Kaptain Kantaap had hoped that love would help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, such high expectations from his partner crashed as she too had the same expectations from him.

Kaptain Kantaap thought, "It was like two people clinging to each other while falling into a bottomless pit all the while knowing that they are doomed but still holding on to hope."

Kaptain Kantaap knew this but didnt know what to make of it cause for him relationships were like that only. A psychological need to make oneself feel good about oneself.

Kaptain Kantaap however had been trying to fake himself into believing he was better off this ways. No one knew if he was. Only time would tell.

Meanwhile our Kaptain Kantaap shouted out aloud after pouring the milk in his frying pan and eggs in the cornflakes, "Life's a joke".

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

History Repeats Itself!

On my recent trip to Delhi in Shatabdi, I saw an interesting scene being played out which kinda made me realize to some extent how this whole man-woman, man-man, woman-woman thing works! It was something like this.

Two kids in my compartment. 1 girl, 1 sardar boy.

The girl was crying out aloud immediately after the train started and her mom was assuaging her. (Read alone)

Enter this Sardar boy. He is happily running here and there and randomly hitting the people who were trying to catch some sleep. (Read selling him self. Making himself the center of attraction)

The girl becomes quiet. As looks at the boy carefully! (Read: The ball’s been hit and the striker moves to first base!)

The sardar keeps running and then all of a sudden touches her (Well, you know what to “make out” of it)

The girl is obviously baffled. Her mom, however, lets her go and she is free now. (Read: Free from the other boundations that the society imposes on her) She goes towards the boy.

The stupid sardar now extends the hand of firandships to her (Read proposes) and is staring hard at the girl.

Girl is confused and runs to mom (read friends). She is encouraged to go back and be friends. (Read, friends convincing. “Oh, he loves you so much”, “she really really cares for you”, “you both make such a nice couple”)

She then shakes hand with the guy (Home run!)

Then after a moment or two she takes her teddy (read, girly stuff and other emotional baggage) to the sardar. He is baffled.(Commitment issues?)

He therefore goes back to his mom (continue with his guy stuff) and the girl comes back to her and starts crying again! (alone, again!)

I guess this is how things turn out for us adults. However, I am pretty sure years from now the same kids after going through a failed relationship would wonder “why does this happen to me only, everyone says I am such a nice guy/gal.. sob sob )

Well, fucker! You were a loser then and no one realized it, you are a loser now and your friends know it, and you will be a loser in future too and then you too will know it! Only, it may be lil too late to make the amends!

If only you learned from your mistakes or realized your true self!

But yeah I guess we all do start early! :-)